This is now!

First of all, I’m sorry I caused trouble on triggering things I shouldn’t have, I never meant to. I’m truly deeply sorry. I genuinely wanted to be her friend.

—

I used to read her twitter feed out of curiosity because some people had talk to me about her, you know, about my husband’s super creative ex, even he once or twice mentioned her, and he spoke very highly of her. So I got curious and I started reading her feed, but then I’m not that ashamed to admit I got addicted: her tweets and thoughts used to make me laugh. A lot. Anyone would get hooked on those good vibes. For some time I was a bit confused – aren’t I supposed to not like her? Why do I like her so much then? – Eventually I came to accept that she was a nice person, and I shouldn’t fall for the customary conventions of not liking the ex just because of a past I wasn’t even in, I grew to care for her and admire her determination to do stuff, her resourcefulness, her creativity, her good will and well, she’s very funny and I liked her very much, I still do.

One day I read she was coming to the area where I live, and I got kind of anxious thinking – what if I’m walking on the street and I see her? It’s gonna be so awkward, well she doesn’t know me, even if I know who she is, but wait… what if she knows who I am and she sees me? – and all kinds of things, so a few days before her trip I had a dream about her and me being good friends and I decided to send her a message telling her about the dream and how I always listen to the hunches on my dreams (not anymore btw) and also to give her some advice about the city. And I was going to leave it at that, after all people says you can’t be friends with your partner’s ex for a reason, right? But then she starts following me on instagram, and I though “maybe she likes me back!”. I won’t lie, I was kind of excited we might be able to overcome that social stigma. We met in person some time after that, and I did asked her not to talk about my husband, mostly because I was more interested about what she had to say about art, design, movies, musicals, series, clothes and any other thing, not about their differences or their story, since I didn’t want both my relationships being influenced by that, I also asked my husband not to talk about her. I was interested in her as a friend, not to dig out anybody’s past. I thought that was the healthy approach since I liked her so much, but also wanted to keep a solid marriage. He respected that I wanted to have a friendship with his ex, not once he question me on that one or made me doubt about it.

When I noticed she stopped following me on twitter, I thought we needed some space because she had been tweeting about her ex once or twice and I got sad and uncomfortable reading about it, I unfollowed her everywhere and I sent her a message for her birthday, telling her I would always admire her and respect her. Months after that, I kept dreaming about her and I took the courage to asked her if I had done something wrong about that unfollow, she told me I did, but still she had the patience to explain to me what I had done, I apologized, she also told me she started going to psychological therapy, I wish her the best, I tried to kept away.

After that, I wrote to her to congratulate her when I heard she got engaged (I think some RT or a reply led me to that tweet), I was truly happy for her. I tried my best to stay away, but then again I kept having constant dreams about her, until it was eating me up and couldn’t sleep anymore and I sent her one last e-mail telling her I needed to kinda say goodbye and get some closure, close my cycle with her. Now I regret it because it was selfish to think that it would help my inner peace, it was invasive and I probably interrupted healing in her therapy.

Now, whatever happened between my husband and her, it’s between them, I didn’t know any of them at the time and I cannot judge.

—

Last, I’d love to think that she’s in a very good place right now, that she has found love, professional and vocational success and above all that she’s healing. I truly wish all the best for her, and I will always admire and respect her.

I swear I won’t get in her way ever again.

PS: I just needed to put this out there, because there has been some people who have been reaching out to me asking me worried if I’m ok. And I am, whoever knows me well know that I’ve never been better, I am very happy.